I'm doing it again - having another breakdown. I'm also realizing this is the 2nd time I've posted about this in what, two weeks? Oh dear, that's not healthy. I honestly don't know why I keep feeling so...out of control, lately. I mailed out my Halloween Party invitations yesterday and today I'm seriously having second thoughts about hosting a part at all. I just feel like everything is too much right now - the party, house projects, my family - too much! But when I step back and look at everything, it's totally doable...I just start thinking about everything and suddenly I can't breathe. I want so badly to have things in order and be in control of my life - it's terrifying when you don't. I get blindsided by it sometimes and I have to concentrate so hard on not letting my boys see me cry. You might not believe it, but I'm a relatively happy person - maybe that's why I completely unravel when I feel overwhelmed.
I'm going out of town tomorrow with my Mom which will be nice. We're going to Vegas to see my sister for the weekend. A short trip, but I think spending some time with her and my Mom will be good for me. On the other hand, I can't help but think I should probably stay here and tackle some projects that are nagging at me. But if I stayed home, would I actually do them? Would I finish everything I want to?
I'm also not handling Cody's work schedule as well as I'd like. I want to be supportive - I am SO proud of him. I just glow with pride knowing that he's an Engineer and Fire Captain. But having him gone for 3 or 5 days at a time is hard for me. I can always go see him at the Station, but I can't always get out there. He's working a 5 day stretch right now and I know he works so hard. I don't want to add to his stress by complaining or being unhappy that he's gone, but I will admit that it gets to me. I just feel so alone and I don't know what to do.
What a downer of a post! I so don't mean to constantly vent on my Blog, but then...what is a Blog for, right? I promise that happier posts are on the horizon! I'll get through this and things will be brighter. Promise.