10.11.2007

Drowning

I'm doing it again - having another breakdown. I'm also realizing this is the 2nd time I've posted about this in what, two weeks? Oh dear, that's not healthy. I honestly don't know why I keep feeling so...out of control, lately. I mailed out my Halloween Party invitations yesterday and today I'm seriously having second thoughts about hosting a part at all. I just feel like everything is too much right now - the party, house projects, my family - too much! But when I step back and look at everything, it's totally doable...I just start thinking about everything and suddenly I can't breathe. I want so badly to have things in order and be in control of my life - it's terrifying when you don't. I get blindsided by it sometimes and I have to concentrate so hard on not letting my boys see me cry. You might not believe it, but I'm a relatively happy person - maybe that's why I completely unravel when I feel overwhelmed.

I'm going out of town tomorrow with my Mom which will be nice. We're going to Vegas to see my sister for the weekend. A short trip, but I think spending some time with her and my Mom will be good for me. On the other hand, I can't help but think I should probably stay here and tackle some projects that are nagging at me. But if I stayed home, would I actually do them? Would I finish everything I want to?

I'm also not handling Cody's work schedule as well as I'd like. I want to be supportive - I am SO proud of him. I just glow with pride knowing that he's an Engineer and Fire Captain. But having him gone for 3 or 5 days at a time is hard for me. I can always go see him at the Station, but I can't always get out there. He's working a 5 day stretch right now and I know he works so hard. I don't want to add to his stress by complaining or being unhappy that he's gone, but I will admit that it gets to me. I just feel so alone and I don't know what to do.

What a downer of a post! I so don't mean to constantly vent on my Blog, but then...what is a Blog for, right? I promise that happier posts are on the horizon! I'll get through this and things will be brighter. Promise.

13 comments:

Kateastrophe said...

Aww doll you'll get through all of it! You're dealing with SO MUCH right now. Lots of change in your life, new baby, Cody's new job . . . and if ANYONE can do it, you can. You're incredible.

Hang in there.

Love you!

Nicole said...

Julia, I am so sorry life is so hard right now. There really is a bright side coming...keep faith and it will happen. Don't cancel the party, it's your favorite holiday! Live it up and forget the notion that you have to be the "Perfect little morman wife". I have yet to meet a perfect little mormon wife and I honestly...don't want to be the first. Life is too short. I'll tell you what I told my sister yesterday. Go to the grocery store and get the dreyer's 1/2 fat Pumpkin pie ice cream. Yummoooo!!!!! Smile, you are amazing!!

The Bakers said...

Dude, the job thing DOES suck. That would be the hardest part for me. You're basically a single mom. Lame.

Brittany said...

Jewels, firstly CALL ME!!! I know how hard it is to have your man gone and chances are we're alone at the same time. I know how lonely and overwhelming those times can be. Secondly, I live half a minute away. Drop the boys off and take a long bath or do some of your amazing crafts that you can pump out like nothing. Everyone needs a sanity break especially when Daddy's gone. I also want you to know one thing that I have had the hardest time learning but has created so much peace and harmony in my life... I am not super woman. I've had to learn that it is okay to have dust bunnies under the fridge or for the baby to have on a dirty outfit or for my hair to be unkept occasionally. It is impossible to accomplish everything that needs to be accomplished. Celebrate that the dishes aren't done when someone stops by or that the car isn't clean when someone wants to carpool. It just means that something higher on your priority list has been done. That said, you are the closest person to super woman that I've met. Just take a moment and realize all that you actually do accomplish in a day and you'll realize that you're pretty damn amazing. Give credit where credit is due. Lastly, no one ever notices things that you think they do.

Rhonda Can't Help You said...

Honey- I'm sorry that I'm not there to:
1. Help with projects
2. Bring Bevs
3. Watch your two beautiful boys while you take a naplies
4. Tell you in person how much I miss and love you!

Sheila said...

Jewels!
I am in complete awe of you! With a baby that young I'm still in a robe and slippers with greasy hair! Holy cow you are amazing! Maybe try to lower your expectations a little so you can breathe, and then focus on what makes you the most happy!
I love you!

Sara said...

Jewels! You are my "mormon superwoman!" Honestly, when Sam was Cache's age I was still dreding the thought of any other kids. And those first two months were KILLER! I remember one week Dan had to work till midnight the whole week and I was D-O-N-E. I can't fathom having a hubby just gone! I feel for you sister! At least you have family close by and a super supportive group of friends and family! WE LOVE YOU!!! And as a friend once told me if you are getting overwhelmed juggling too many balls maybe its time to get rid of some of them. There will always be time for some of those things in your life in a few months or years. I LOVE YOUUUU!!! Take people up on their offers to help you!!!!

Heather-Rita said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Heather-Rita said...

Yesterday I answered the door for my visiting Relief Society Presidency without a stich of make-up and wet hair...and you know this is not like me! I just laughed it off and let my friend in. She is a mom too, and knows that there are crazy days! Don't worry about trying to do everything. Take time for yourself and you'll be a better mom and wife! Just keep in mind that by taking some time for yourself other things will suffer...and that is okay.

Also I've been trying to enjoy making little things seem like big ones! Be proud if you only accomplish one thing all day...if you are going to make dinner, make something you really like, turn on your favorite music while you clean house, sit down and watch your favorite TV show while you feed the baby. Whatever it is...find something good about that task. Try to live in that very moment and don't think about what you didn't get done...think about what you did get done! It makes my days go so much better!

Secret Agent Mama said...

Hi! You don't know me but I clicked on a link from kate(astrophe)'s blog. I just want to say that I really know what you are going through. My head has been pounding for days and I wonder if I'll ever get out of this fog that I am currently in. My husband is gone for two weeks at a time and is home for a week. When he goes back, I unravel. I just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone. It appears you have a great network of friends (via the comments). ((virtual hugs))

Canadian flake said...

I popped over here from Kate's blog to say hi....and to tell you I love the baby things you made for her. Sorry to hear you are feeling stressed...hang in there and remember to take deep breaths...you can do it!!!

The Bastian's said...

Jewels, I know what your going through. Just like you told me, this will pass. Really, I think that you and Cody just need to have a nice wild trip together. I think that for the most part you two just don't get enough of each other and that makes EVeRything harder! Don't cancel your party, delegate! I can help with whatever you need! I think that the previous posts are right-that you just take on too much. You are such a busy body, always taking care of everyone else. Having two kids is hard-especially alone, I couldn't even imagine. Please let me know what I can help you with!

Brillig said...

Crap girl. You've bitten off more than anyone could possibly chew. A second baby makes things just a lot more complicated! I'm not being critical--I really hope you don't take it that way! I just think you're gonna have to let some things go. I know how hard that is. Believe me, I do! But I also know how essential it is to not continue to drown yourself!

And Cody's work schedule? SUCKS. That's so rough. I'm sorry!