Mother of sons

A lot of people have asked me in the past 8 months how I feel about having another boy. I get told nearly every day, "Oh, you NEED a girl." or "Wow, another boy..." or "Are you going to keep trying until you get your girl?". Even, "Oh man, you must be so bummed.". Really.

Here's the thing, friends - I am over the moon to be the mother of boys. I LOVE little boys. I mean, it's all I know, I'm sure mothers of girls feel the same way. I would love to have a little girl, but we are not going to keep 'trying' until we get one. We might be done after this baby, we might not - I'm not sure yet. And if we have a 4th baby and that's a son? I will still be over the moon.

I tell people that it's my third boy and joke, "Yep - I'm in trouble!" or "It's all we know how to make!"...but how I love my little boys. I mean, how lucky am I? I have started to realize what a great responsibility it is to raise sons. I will be the woman they look up to, the one who teaches them how to be solid young men. They will learn from their amazing Dad how to treat women and it's up to us to teach them the importance of family.

A friend of mine posted this video today...

"But young men you will learn if you have not already that in frightening, even perilous moments, your faith and your priesthood will demand the very best of you and the best you can call down from Heaven. You must be ready and worthy to act. That is why the Lord repeatedly says in the scriptures, "Be ye clean that bear the vessels of the Lord."

What a responsibility I have. To raise righteous sons. To raise noble, strong, worthy, righteous sons. And how honored I feel to have that responsibility. How honored I feel to be the mother of sons.

Happy Birthday, Cache!!

Cache is 7! What the...?? So crazy. This year he requested a Superhero-themed party...

Funny story - when I showed him the invited I made he was like, "Why is that guy opening his shirt?" I have obviously failed at introducing him to Superman. I also made this poster and put it on the front door. It now adorns Cache's room...
This party was super easy to put together, to my surprise. I kept everything really simple, but fortunately the boys just played most of the time which took a lot of pressure off me feeling like I had to entertain them. While we waited for all the heroes to arrive, the boys sat at the table with treats and colored superhero pictures.
After some coloring we played 'Pin the Reactor on Iron Man'. This was hilarious, the boys had so much fun with this...

And how much do I love all of their wee little costumes. (Don't you love little Gavin in the bottom left corner? All 'Captain America' serious? Fantastic).

We had pizza while I finished decorating the cake.

Yeah - a Macey's original. I wrote the message, removed some ribbons and added the Iron Man...but dude, having the cake taken care of was wonderful. PS - it was super delish. No leftovers. I jest not.

It was such a fun little party and Cache had such a great time. I love, LOVE that little boy. He is so much fun, and I just adore the little man he is becoming. He's growing up and it's breaking my heart, but I am so proud of him. I can brag, right? Of course I can. I went to Parent Teacher Conference tonight and his teachers were raving about what a wonderful student he is. Their class is on a reading level 10. Cache is on level 27. I don't care that he's just in first grade, I'm beaming. Happiest of Birthdays to my little man!!

So Kind

Thank you all for your dear comments on my shame spiral post. I was so touched by the encouraging messages and the offers to help, you are wonderful people. It's a relief to know that I'm not the only one that feels or has felt this way. I think that as women and mother's we put so much pressure on ourselves to make everything perfect. Our houses should always been clean and decorated, our children should always listen and be well-behaved, we are never tired and we're never upset. We have oodles of patience, we take meals to our neighbors, we get our grocery shopping done before we run out of anything and we're always wearing lip gloss.

I could easily hide all the drama I'm feeling and just pretend that everything is fine and I'm doing great and handling everything like a champ, but I don't have the energy. Things are a bit too much right now. Some days are better than others, and I have found that a good cry in the privacy in one's closet can do wonders for one's clarity. I need to remember to see the big picture and to focus on what's important. Things really are looking up. I had a great weekend with my family and we had a lot of relaxing and down time...I still look around the house and start to panic at all the things that are waiting for my attention, but all in good time.

Thank you again for all the kind things you said. Can't promise I won't have another meltdown, but it's nice to know I won't be shunned for having a crappy week! Here's hoping this week is a sunny one.

Belly Ache

**Disclaimer: This post is extremely depressing, low, and pathetic. This is how I'm feeling and I have to get it out somewhere. Reader discretion is advised.**

I have had it. I'm over it. I'm SO over being pregnant and being sick. Oh, that's right - I'm sick. Again. It's a nasty cold and while it's not killing me it might as well be. I can't take anything because I'm pregnant, so I have to endure it until it's run it's course. I'm coughing so hard that I have this sharp pain in my back every time I cough, like my ribs are about to puncture a kidney.

Being pregnant is no picnic. I have been super fortunate in my last two pregnancies because they have been easy. I was a little sick with Cache, NO problems with Cole but with this one? I'm exhausted. I'm so uncomfortable I can hardly move without pain. I have heartburn constantly and I'm practically keeping TUMS in business. And I'm so moody. My poor family, I have no patience with my boys and I feel like all I do is yell and threaten them (PS - yelling while sick with no voice is so stupid). I'm scared to bring another baby home because how can I possibly do that when it's obvious that I'm a terrible mother? When it's obvious that I'm selfish and impatient and harsh? I'm terrified. How do I know I'm a terrible mother? For one thing I am thisclose to keeping my sons home from school tomorrow so that I don't have to deal with a schedule. A SCHEDULE. Not even a hard one! I just don't want to wake up and get them all ready and drop them off and pick them up. See? Terrible.

I'm also feeling so alone and so....unloved. I think that's the only word for it. I feel invisible in a way. I feel like Cody wants nothing to do with me, that he only tolerates me. That I'm just some unattractive, high-maintenance, stubborn girl that complains about everything but does nothing about it. And what can I do to fix that? I'm huge. I can't be cute. And I have another 5 weeks of this mess. Make that a few months...I'm nothing special after a baby arrives, trust me. I do nothing for him, I don't make his life better. He sees me overwhelmed and frustrated and his immediate response is, "Go sit down, just relax". But I can't. Not because I don't want to, but because if I do that nothing will get done. I'm in serious 'nesting' mode right now and I can't finish home projects that are staring me in the face. I lack the know-how and the energy. I feel helpless. So many nights I cry because I feel so neglected.

I know that a lot of it is hormones and crap...but what if it's not? What if this is the next 10 years of my life? It's like I'm spiraling out of control and there's nothing that can stop it. I want to stay in bed all day, but I have laundry to do and rooms to clean and meals to make. I have little boys who depend on me and they need a nice, patient mom. Cache's Birthday is on Saturday and I'm hosting his Birthday party here. I already know that I'm going to stress about cleaning the house and decorating it and making it look all festive, all the while hearing "They're kids, they won't care, they won't notice, etc." but you know what? I don't want to hear that I'm doing too much or that I need to cool it - I need HELP. Not criticism.

What do I do? How can I do it all? How do I stop feeling so isolated and...robotic. Every day is the same, and every day I feel more and more invisible.

See - I warned you. Depressing and pathetic. I'm so low right now I'm not sure I can drag myself out. I want to go hide in my closet and not come out. No one will notice that I'm gone, anyway.

It's June in January

We have had NO SNOW in forever. I honestly think it has snowed maybe three times since Halloween. What the what? Not ok. I was pretty bummed when we had a green (and balmy) Christmas, but now we're halfway through January and I should probably be sporting some tanlines. Don't get me wrong, the weather has been gorgeous and it's wonderful to be able to spend time outside...but uh, yeah. I'm thinking Winter should probably show up soon.

Saturday we ran some errands and stopped by the Jolley Parent's home to visit. They had the horses out so Kathy helped Cache and Cole on one of the horses and walked them around the pasture for a while (I should probably mention that she had a broken finger while she was doing this. She had no idea it was broken, just thought it was dislocated. That chick is tough. She can take you, don't mess.).

I was basking in the glorious sunshine...man it was such a warm, pretty day. Cody was picking up his dirt bike and his right leg was also enjoying the weather.

We keep hearing that it's supposed to snow and "the storm is coming!". Yeah, yeah...I'll believe that when I see it. The fact that it's going to snow so late is making me nervous for July. I'll probably be watching fireworks in a parka.

Brave Little Man

Ah, Cole. My sweet, tough, ER-bound boy. Was it only 6 months ago we took him to the ER to get stitches in his head? No, 5 months. Poor little bug. This time it was his finger. A few weeks ago he was out back while Cody was chopping fire wood. One of the split logs flew off and landed right on the tip of Cole's left index finger. OW. I was inside when it happened, I heard Cole crying really hard and when Cody came in cradling him, I was sure he'd lost an appendage or something. He was trying to be brave, letting Cody look at it and clean it up. Cody took him to the ER and they numbed up his finger and gave him a few stitches under his nail (ew, I know. ew.).

He's been SO stoic and tough when we treat his war wound. He still has a few weeks where we'll need to be careful with it, but it hasn't slowed him down at all. Yay! Should be back in the ER in no time.

PS - I firmly believe that parents of injured children should be able to register for a siren they can stick to the top of their car when driving a child to the Hospital. They could call dispatch on the way, give them their registration number and make it to the ER in record time, yes? Yes. I'm writing my Senator.

Christmas House

May I brag? Of course I can. My house looked AWESOME this year. Amidst the construction mess and unfinished projects, there was tinsel and lights and holiday goodness. Oh, yes. I took loads of pictures so I can remember where I put everything for next year. Although, pretty sure our house will look different next year...so I might have to start from scratch. Again.

Before we go on, I have to gush about my picture wall that I'm so proud of. You see, I've told you before that I want to fill this wall with family pictures. And I will. But Christmas came first. So! Akin to my Halloween wall, I filled my frames with Christmas art I love. I eye-balled the whole thing and I took about 900 pictures of it so I can (hopefully...maybe) recreate it next year.

Hehe, I have to say one of my favorite things is the fact that I hung most of the things with screws. Other things...I used thumb tacks. And whatever else I could find.

Marvy, right? I'll be sad to take that all down. Next? My Christmas wreath I made. It's SO pretty, all glittery and fantastic. I'll have to store that so carefully, it's held together with hot glue and a prayer. I should probably add more feathers next year, too.

Awww, my tree. I loved our tree this year. We didn't adorn it with a single ornie...not sure why, but it was just a simple clean tree.

I nearly bought some tinsel icicles for it (next year!), but I couldn't find any. Instead I fell in love with this small vintage gold tinsel garland. I bought like 9 packs of it and draped it all over the tree.

Our mantle isn't done yet so I attached some garland to fill in the empty space, covered that with lights and made a festive 'Jolley' banner.

Sort of random, but I loved the little area on top of my piano.

Like our pretend hood? We should install that.

My chandy dripping in red jingle bells. The boys looooved ringing those every morning.

Oh, what's that? My picture wall again?

I want lit garlands all year long.

My wee computer space.

We set up our village! A triumph.

Today I plan on taking everything down. I have mixed feelings. I'm ready for the new year and all that goodness, but I hate how empty and hollow my house feels after Christmas. No tinsel! No garlands! No lights! Good thing I have a little man to get ready for...only 7 more weeks!!

What I'm Loving Wednesday

What am I loving?

These little fire starters.

Lest you think this is an egg cup filled with jam, it is actually an egg cup filled with dryer lint and candle wax. Cody and I got loads of these little babies from his parents just before Christmas. They said, "Just build a fire like you normally would, stack the wood and everything, just don't use any paper. Instead, stick one of these underneath and light it. Done.".

Done. Sure. See, I married into a fire family. They can talk wood into spontaneously combusting. Me? I? I'm lucky if I light 3 successful fires a year. I swear I do everything right, everything by the book and most of the time it just smokes and fizzles and dies on me. Until now! These little fire starters have saved my world!! I was skeptical, now I can't stop raving about them. I'm putting them in emergency kits and 72-hour kits and my purse for Tuesdays. I LOVE these little things, and you can totes make them yourself. Just save your dryer lint, fill up the egg cups with it and then drizzle it with any kind of candle wax. Obviously, I'm obsessed. I still can't believe they work, just amazing.

I think I may have earned my fire wings.

Happy New Year!

2012 is here, my friends! What a year it will be, I can feel it. I have so many resolutions - probably too many. I'm trying to make some reasonable ones, you know...ones I know I will actually achieve. Others will be a challenge, others may not happen...but hey! Resolutions are in order.

2011 was a stellar year with many-a-highlight. Cody's gym Viking Crossfit was named the #1 Health Club in Utah County, I Asst. Directed a show, costumed TWO shows (I'm an idiot), we found out we're having another boy, we made great progress on our house, took our boys to Disneyland...truly a stellar year. I still have to post about many things - which is one of my resolutions! To post more! Aren't you stoked? More of my trivial dribble to read? I thought so.

We are so very blessed and I'm so looking forward to making this year amazing. Can't wait to get started. Ring a ding ding!