I have had it. I'm over it. I'm SO over being pregnant and being sick. Oh, that's right - I'm sick. Again. It's a nasty cold and while it's not killing me it might as well be. I can't take anything because I'm pregnant, so I have to endure it until it's run it's course. I'm coughing so hard that I have this sharp pain in my back every time I cough, like my ribs are about to puncture a kidney.
Being pregnant is no picnic. I have been super fortunate in my last two pregnancies because they have been easy. I was a little sick with Cache, NO problems with Cole but with this one? I'm exhausted. I'm so uncomfortable I can hardly move without pain. I have heartburn constantly and I'm practically keeping TUMS in business. And I'm so moody. My poor family, I have no patience with my boys and I feel like all I do is yell and threaten them (PS - yelling while sick with no voice is so stupid). I'm scared to bring another baby home because how can I possibly do that when it's obvious that I'm a terrible mother? When it's obvious that I'm selfish and impatient and harsh? I'm terrified. How do I know I'm a terrible mother? For one thing I am thisclose to keeping my sons home from school tomorrow so that I don't have to deal with a schedule. A SCHEDULE. Not even a hard one! I just don't want to wake up and get them all ready and drop them off and pick them up. See? Terrible.
I'm also feeling so alone and so....unloved. I think that's the only word for it. I feel invisible in a way. I feel like Cody wants nothing to do with me, that he only tolerates me. That I'm just some unattractive, high-maintenance, stubborn girl that complains about everything but does nothing about it. And what can I do to fix that? I'm huge. I can't be cute. And I have another 5 weeks of this mess. Make that a few months...I'm nothing special after a baby arrives, trust me. I do nothing for him, I don't make his life better. He sees me overwhelmed and frustrated and his immediate response is, "Go sit down, just relax". But I can't. Not because I don't want to, but because if I do that nothing will get done. I'm in serious 'nesting' mode right now and I can't finish home projects that are staring me in the face. I lack the know-how and the energy. I feel helpless. So many nights I cry because I feel so neglected.
I know that a lot of it is hormones and crap...but what if it's not? What if this is the next 10 years of my life? It's like I'm spiraling out of control and there's nothing that can stop it. I want to stay in bed all day, but I have laundry to do and rooms to clean and meals to make. I have little boys who depend on me and they need a nice, patient mom. Cache's Birthday is on Saturday and I'm hosting his Birthday party here. I already know that I'm going to stress about cleaning the house and decorating it and making it look all festive, all the while hearing "They're kids, they won't care, they won't notice, etc." but you know what? I don't want to hear that I'm doing too much or that I need to cool it - I need HELP. Not criticism.
What do I do? How can I do it all? How do I stop feeling so isolated and...robotic. Every day is the same, and every day I feel more and more invisible.
See - I warned you. Depressing and pathetic. I'm so low right now I'm not sure I can drag myself out. I want to go hide in my closet and not come out. No one will notice that I'm gone, anyway.