I have had it. I'm over it. I'm SO over being pregnant and being sick. Oh, that's right - I'm sick. Again. It's a nasty cold and while it's not killing me it might as well be. I can't take anything because I'm pregnant, so I have to endure it until it's run it's course. I'm coughing so hard that I have this sharp pain in my back every time I cough, like my ribs are about to puncture a kidney.
Being pregnant is no picnic. I have been super fortunate in my last two pregnancies because they have been easy. I was a little sick with Cache, NO problems with Cole but with this one? I'm exhausted. I'm so uncomfortable I can hardly move without pain. I have heartburn constantly and I'm practically keeping TUMS in business. And I'm so moody. My poor family, I have no patience with my boys and I feel like all I do is yell and threaten them (PS - yelling while sick with no voice is so stupid). I'm scared to bring another baby home because how can I possibly do that when it's obvious that I'm a terrible mother? When it's obvious that I'm selfish and impatient and harsh? I'm terrified. How do I know I'm a terrible mother? For one thing I am thisclose to keeping my sons home from school tomorrow so that I don't have to deal with a schedule. A SCHEDULE. Not even a hard one! I just don't want to wake up and get them all ready and drop them off and pick them up. See? Terrible.
I'm also feeling so alone and so....unloved. I think that's the only word for it. I feel invisible in a way. I feel like Cody wants nothing to do with me, that he only tolerates me. That I'm just some unattractive, high-maintenance, stubborn girl that complains about everything but does nothing about it. And what can I do to fix that? I'm huge. I can't be cute. And I have another 5 weeks of this mess. Make that a few months...I'm nothing special after a baby arrives, trust me. I do nothing for him, I don't make his life better. He sees me overwhelmed and frustrated and his immediate response is, "Go sit down, just relax". But I can't. Not because I don't want to, but because if I do that nothing will get done. I'm in serious 'nesting' mode right now and I can't finish home projects that are staring me in the face. I lack the know-how and the energy. I feel helpless. So many nights I cry because I feel so neglected.
I know that a lot of it is hormones and crap...but what if it's not? What if this is the next 10 years of my life? It's like I'm spiraling out of control and there's nothing that can stop it. I want to stay in bed all day, but I have laundry to do and rooms to clean and meals to make. I have little boys who depend on me and they need a nice, patient mom. Cache's Birthday is on Saturday and I'm hosting his Birthday party here. I already know that I'm going to stress about cleaning the house and decorating it and making it look all festive, all the while hearing "They're kids, they won't care, they won't notice, etc." but you know what? I don't want to hear that I'm doing too much or that I need to cool it - I need HELP. Not criticism.
What do I do? How can I do it all? How do I stop feeling so isolated and...robotic. Every day is the same, and every day I feel more and more invisible.
See - I warned you. Depressing and pathetic. I'm so low right now I'm not sure I can drag myself out. I want to go hide in my closet and not come out. No one will notice that I'm gone, anyway.
10 comments:
OH JEWELS!! I can tell you it MUST be hormones because you just described how I have been feeling to the T!! I have 2 weeks to go. I hate a schedule, I just want to sleep, my weight keeps going up and I am mean! I feel unloved, I feel like I am a horrible mother...everything you just said rings true to me right now. Thanks for venting, I needed it!! At least we are in it together right?!! Stay tough! I love you! Whit
julia-what gives?!? this (my third) pregnancy is THE WORST ever for me too! i was a little sick with nash, totally fine with haven (and looked good, too) and this one has left me flat on my bed for the last 8 weeks with no end in sight! i feel for you, i really, really do. i don't do anything. really. dinner? i have steve stop and pick something up or we have oatmeal. laundry? forget about it. my house is a complete wreck. i'm just taking this as a big sign that this is my LAST pregnancy. mark my words! good luck...
Oh, sweetest. I love you. I don't know what to tell you other than that, but I DO love you. *big gentle internet hug right here*
My darling friend! Why can't I be in Utah to come and help clean your house to get ready for the Birthday party??? I feel your pain, and I am also sure it's the hormones. Not that it negates what you're feeling, but at least you know you're not a crazy person.
I love you love you.
Hi Jewels,
Admittedly, I smiled while reading your post, not because it was funny but I remember saying those same things. It wasn't that long ago that I was there. Perhaps you are dealing with rampaging hormones but those feelings are still real. That said, you are a wonderful mother, a saucy wife, and an amazing person even though you don't feel that way. A bulging belly, ribs kicked black and blue, and the compulsive need to have everything just so before the baby comes but not enough energy to even shower is enough to drive the strongest woman to the point of crazy. All I can say is embrace it. You have the excuse that you are producing a human being. My mantra when I was becoming beyond obsessive about every detail was "it doesn't matter." I would ask myself, is all this work and stress worth it? I finally came to the conclusion that I could only do what i could do and if someone had a problem with it then they could take it up with my raging hormones. If your house isn't immaculate for the birthday party then at least you remembered there was a birthday at all. You are, after all, in the last stages of pregnancy. It's miserable, frustrating and most definitely not at all glamorous. Hang in there. Don't think that you can do everything and produce a beautiful baby at the same time.
OH MY GOSH you should read the post on my blog about pregnancy hormones that I wrote a week before I gave birth. I totally know how it feels. I was so sick with this baby, and we moved houses and I still worked 20 hrs a week and I seriously thought I was going to have a mental breakdown. Nobody feels good about themselves when pregnant if they say they do, they're liars...or just too stupid to know any better. I hate people who talk about the pregnancy glow. Who the hell glows?? Sure if you call radiating death rays to everything that overwhelms you than yeah, you glow all right.
If it's any consolation, once I held my little Jacob and got to cuddle his newborn body it was all worth it. Also I think you're fabulous. You should see me on my bad days. I'm not pretty, nice, or even human when I'm overwhelmed and unappreciated. Just know that moms everywhere know how you feel. **HUG**
well make some calls to family and just say I need a little help. and I would put me feet up and rest cause your going to need it when u come home, is your mom close!!! if not I can come down and take care of you guys
I'm glad you posted this. I think many women feel this way, but think they're alone in it. I certainly feel that way during pregnancy. I've even felt some guilt that I felt that way during my last pregnancy. Then when I miscarried, felt some relief that I might be normal again and love-able again, then guilty that I felt some relief. Then my hormones were still a mess and I was still depressed months after my miscarriage. I'm still not back to feeling great, but at least I feel like I can do something about it. As a result I'm not sure if I want another baby because I'm so scared to be pregnant again. I'm sorry you're feeling all of that. I felt love from you when I was going through all of that and I hope I can return that. I want to take your boys for a day. Any Monday, Friday, or Saturday. I'll call you. Hang in there, you are beautiful, loved, couragous, strong, and not alone.
First of all, who are you and what have you done with my friend, Julia?! I've never seen this side of you before. It's refreshing. I'm impressed with your honesty and relieved that you ARE NOT perfect, like I've always thought. You are human, not Martha Stewart! Seriously, I agree with your friends' posts. All of them! The bottom line is, "...you are producing a human being," as Brittany stated. Cody and the boys and your family and all of us love you. Know that!! I ask this in all sincerity, may we bring you a meal and/or pick up some loads of laundry and bring them back clean??!! I love that you are needing help. NO ONE ASKS FOR HELP and there are tons of people wanting and willing to do something. It's for selfish reasons, truly. I know I will feel better for helping out a friend. Say the word!!
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