Difficult day. Sometimes being Mom gets to me and I simply collapse because I can't seem to handle it. The worst part is - I feel totally guilty that I have those days. I mean, I have one child. One. How can I possibly not be able to raise one child? Not to mention that he is the sweetest kid in the world and was the easiest baby ever - he is so gentle and smart and funny, he's my little pal and I love him more than words can say. Early this morning, I got really scared about the fact that I am going to have another son in just a few months...what am I going to do?
Cache is 2 and a few weeks ago we took away his binky. He only used it when he went down for his nap and at bedtime, so I really didn't think it would take him forever to get used to going to bed without it. Most afternoons I'll lay him down and he'll just cry for 30 minutes, an hour. Same thing happens when we put him to bed at night. Because of this, his schedule is totally messed up. Last night he fell asleep on Cody over at my parents house while we were watching a movie. When we put him in his car seat, he started to whine a little...then he started crying and cried all the way home. We got home and tried to lay him down (it's about 11:00), and he just kept crying. He was crying SO HARD. After going into his room and laying him down a few times, I finally had to go in and hold him until he fell asleep. He was so wiped out, he sacked out about 30 seconds after I picked him up. I laid him back down, went to bed and turned off the lamp - it was now 12:30.
At 5:00am, Cache woke up and started to cry. Cody had to get up at 6:00 to go to work, so I went in there and tried to calm Cache down. Nothing worked. Not me holding him, or laying him down and giving him his blanket, nothing. Sometimes I would get him relaxed enough so that he was quiet, I would sneak out but as soon as I closed the door, he would start crying again. This went on for an hour. I sat on the stairs outside his bedroom and just started to cry. No...bawl. I held my hands over my ears so that I couldn't hear him crying and just broke down. I got scared by how upset I was about Cache, scared that I can't handle another baby, scared that I'm going to be a bad mother - all those hopeless thoughts one gets while having a breakdown at 6:00am. I prayed so hard that Cache would feel comfort, that I would be patient with him and be more understanding. Cody got up a few minutes later and sat next to me on the stairs. He put his arms around me while I tried to pull myself together. He said some really sweet things to me, he's so great. I'm sure it wasn't easy hearing his son crying in one room and having his wife crying in a ball on the stairs. Cody took me back to bed and told me to just relax and let Cache cry it out. He got ready for work and told me to call him if I needed anything. Cache kept crying...and crying...maybe for another hour or so. The next thing I know it's after 9:00. I feel a little better this morning, I'm hoping that I'll be able to get over this and keep my head up. Breakdowns are never easy, but I think they help. Being a mother is hard, no matter how many kids you have. It's the hardest job ever and it tests me every single day. I didn't mean to post a downer of a story today, but it's nice to know that I have this little outlet when I need it! So to all the mom's out there who have had a breakdown, hang in there - we all have them!
7 comments:
Being a mom is totally hard! Good for you for axing the binkie before he turned four those kids are just weird! And you will feel soo good about it to have this done before the baby comes. ANd furthermore you are an amazing mom and you will be an amazing mom to little Crew! Besides Cash won't remember all this trauma anyways. It is only going to scar you for life. Not him.
I think I had very similar breakdowns during each pregnancy. Somehow you feel so overwhelmed and inadequate anyway, and then you have this constant reminder that you're about to have yet another little soul to care for. Sigh. Mom-hood is ANYTHING but easy. But anyone watching from the sidelines will look at you and say, "wow, she's so amazing." Thanks for sharing the breakdown, and helping us all feel a little more normal!!
My Jiilia. You are an amazing mother. I am always in awe of how well behaved and awesome Cache is, and that is a direct reflection of you as a mother. I know you get stressed and overwhelmed, but I want you to know that you are doing an awesome job and we have all discussed what a great mom you are and how lucky Cache and the future Owen are to have you.
Love you always.
Hey! I know you don't know me, I'm a friend of Kate's but I like to snoop around on her friends blogs. Anyway, while reading this, it took me back to when my 4 year old was this age. I'm a single mom and let me tell you, I have had this EXACT day more times than I care to admit! When I felt like I couldn't take another second, I'd put her down (and being an "attachment parent, that was VERY hard for me) I'd walk outside, and scream as loud as I could. Then I'd walk back in, pick her up and was somehow able to hold her. Just that one moment of releasing stress (and a short prayer) helped immensely. Babies can feel our stress and our calm. In some small way, I hope it helps to know that while this phase sucks, it is very normal and it will pass. Admitting that you are stressed is helping more than you realize and you are a great mommy to take the time to put your feelings into words and release some of it. You're in my prayers!
Stacey
By the way, Kate said what I was about to say, which is that we really HAVE discussed what an awesome mom you are! You cute little pregnant bundle of gorgeous sassiness, you.
So sorry you had one of those days...all my friends that I talk to seem to go through that too! And I know I will when our baby gets here! Hang in there sweetie...and lets get together soon!
I don't know if you got my message, sorry I am a rambler. I hope you are feelin better today!
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